He loves you too

My life is hard. At times I can`t see anything good in my future. I rarly laugh and I miss dancing with my heart. My energy is almost all gone. My body is withering, atleast thats what it feals like. I believe in a great God. A God that is bigger than my problems He is bigger than me He is bigger than you He is bigger than all my enemies He is perfect Love He cares He Loves He forgives He is worthy all my praise He is all good in one being He can make a way where there is no way He is my God He chose me He made me, with good thoughts in mind He will make a way and all I need to do is to stay close to him. All I need to do is to seek his face All I have to do is to seek to have a relationship with him. He loves you too :)

En kraftanstrengelse

Du vet du er sliten når bare det å løfte et glass med vann til munnen for å drikke litt føles som en kraftanstrengelse. Du vet tingene ikke er som de skal være når du våkner opp om morgenen og kroppen føles mørbanket, eller det føles som om kroppen har vært igjennom en hard treningsøkt mens du sov. Du vet du har et problem når de tingene du elsker å gjøre som gir deg liv, glede og overskudd har blitt ein stor byrde. Et stort ork, som bare ikke gir deg noe glede lenger. Du vet ting ikke er som de skal når ditt indre mennesker føles som en helt annen enn den som vennene dine ser. Du vet du er sliten når bare tanken på at du "må" besøke en venninne senere får deg til å synke sammen på sofaen, foran skjermen(tv eller data) og sitter der i timevis og stenger hele verden ute. Du forstår plutselig hvor viktig forståelse er for deg når du møter en fremmed som er så snill å faktisk bruker tid på deg mens du sitter i parken og nyter solen. Du nevner tilstanden din og merker hvor godt det er at noen ønsker bruke de minuttene på deg, samtidig kjenner du på at du egentlig ville være alene fordi du er sliten og enhver sosial setting krever mer energi og tar av overskuddet. Det går utover planene en har senere samme dagen, du blir nødt til å kutte dem ut, eller du tvinger deg til å gjøre mer enn du vet kroppen orker og dermed blir du sittende eller liggende på sofaen ett par dager bare for å komme deg igjen. Hvorfor må jeg alltid presse meg? Hvorfor må jeg alltid si nei? Hvorfor er bestevenninnen min også sliten? Hvorfor må jeg bære alt dette alene? Hvorfor kommer jeg alltid tilbake til denne situasjonen, hvor jeg bare ikke orker mer? Hvorfor klarer jeg ikke kommunisere hva jeg føler? Hvorfor er det så vanskelig for mine venner å forstå? Hvorfor er det så mye lettere for meg å ta hensyn til mine venner, men presser meg selv til jeg er helt utmattet? Hvorfor er det ingen som sier til meg at det er helt i orden at du tar en pause, tar en pust i bakken? Hvorfor er det slik at jeg faller sammen når jeg endelig kommer til det punktet at jeg tar en pause? Mine hvorfor- spørsmål får meg ingen steder, men de surrer likevel rundt i hodet mitt. Det er så vanskelig å måtte sei nei til alle de tingene jeg har så inderlig lyst å oppleve. Være med venner, familie og reise å besøke folk som betyr noe for meg. Male, danse, latter, glede, skriving. Evnen til å se Gud i de små tingene, som en sommerfugl som flyr forbi meg, i solnedgangen. Jeg er så langt fra å være meg at jeg tror jeg snart mister meg selv. Hva skjedde? Og selv midt i dette vet jeg innerst inne at Gud har en vei. Gud leder meg og Gud lar meg ta en pause. Gud leder meg steg for steg, og selv midt i all forvirringen min er hans Kjærlighet den samme. Han vil bare det aller beste for meg og uten han hadde jeg allerede vært død. Han er min klippe, min glede og min frelser. Han lytter og han bryr seg og han er den eneste som fullt ut kan forstå meg. Takk Jesus!

Some of my thoughts this evening....

Moving to a new place is not easy. For some it may not seem like such a big deal, especially since the new place is such a good place to be. And surely this new place I am living in is such a good place for me. Still my sleep is bad and I am tossing back and forth in the bed at night. My dreams is not really that bad but there is a storm taking place inside of me. I make the right and good choice and it feels so wrong. My feelings are screeming so loud and they don`t appreciate the choices I make. They just screem louder of how uncomfortable they are. I am confused and than I get a bit more confused. The lack of sleep I now have after living here for about 10 days do not make it any easier. I don`t think I have been this close to quiting for anything before. I will not quite but I can not keep on going unless I get some help. That is, without God`s strength I will collapse. At the moment it feels like I don`t understand nothing and I don`t really know what there is to understand. So thats whats on my mind tonight and I leave it to you. Always remember: God loves you and He will never forsake you, nor leave you empty handed.

Flytting og påske =)

So on friday I moved from one place in Stavanger to another. My mam came with her car and she packed my stuff into the car. I have to admit she was awsome! We drove three times to move all my things and I also had to pack alot of my stuff inbetween it all ;) The last time a friend of mine where going to help me. Her and her husband, but their babysitter got sick so she had to stay home with her babygirl but her husband helped us move my heavy bed and some tall shelves. It was really good that he came and helped us out. I am grateful. Saturday morning, after spending my first night in my new place, I stated unpack all my kitchen stuff, food and all. I also had time to unpack alot of my clothing before my mam came at 11am. I woke up really early, like 7-7.30. I also got to pack my suitcase so it would be ready to go home with my mam and I. So we went back to my old apartment and we cleaned it. My mam is really effective and I was working on half speed, really tired after yesterday and after a bad sleeping. Two friends of mine also came to help us out and I feel so privileged to have such good friends! =) After all that my mam and I went to my brothers place for some food. He is married and have to wonderful daughter`s and we had some fun with them before we had to go. Than we went to pick up my bike and we dropped it off at my grandmothers place. Than mam drove us home to her place and we were home at 11pm. So now I am enjoying having my easter break. I just a little bit time with my school books these last days and I watch some tv and I enjoy the sun. God is good! =)

Its still not me

Who I am and what I am going through is not the same. My identity is not desided by what I am going trhough. So if I now am dicouraged and feel everything is hopeless(like I do because I am depressed) don`t mean thats who I am. Normally I am a cheerful and happy person. Looking at the positive and good things in life, expecting good things to happen and somewhat ignoring the bad things that may or may not happen. I want to go back to that, but right now its not possible. I get depressed of my apartment. I get depressed of the fact that I seem to be unable to truely relax here. I want to move to a place where I have a view or atleast a place that is above ground. This basement apartment is no good for me, but I think its mainly because I need to have a place on my own and not live with others. I sometimes resent my roommate because what I need is to be alone, but I am not because she is here. Its not her fault and I quickly forgive her, because its not her fault. I chose to live here. Sure, I diden`t know what it realy ment to live like this, but still I chose to do it and she is not to blame. I am to be blamed, so now I resent myself aswell. Not a good cirle, but God will get me out of it. He always do. God forgive me, so now I just have to forgive me. And I need to find a way to live with this untill I find a place for myself where I can relax and not worry about what time my roommate will drop by. So what I am going through is not who I am. My friends know that, but sometimes I forget. So I have to keep reminding myself of who I am and what I am going through is not who I am. There is a difference and its important to remember that. At the same time I have to settle with the fact that this thing I am going through will take a long while and even though my friends wants me to have faith and hope, I need to be realistic. Yes, it would be fantastic if God healed me instant, in a moment, but so far thats not what he`s done. I don`t know why, I just have to keep being close to him, to seek his face and remember that He loves no matter what happens. Believing when you got you miracle, is easy. Believing when you have to wait and wait and wait and still haven`t got your miracle, that takes a strong faith. Its the way it is. My faith is strong, even when I am discouraged and feel hopeless deep down, I know God is with me and for me. He will get me through. He will, He always get me through. Have a good day.