Its not me

This is not me. I am not like this. I am not the girl who is afraid of so many things that just thinking of doing something make my body freeze in panic. I am not the girl that get so overwhelmed by life, I end up doing nothing. I am not the girl who walkes around confused because I am afraid of something that is not scary at all. I am just not that girl. I am the girl that is easy-going, I laugh often and I laugh out loud where we are ment to be quiet. I have alot of friends that would do anything for me. I am the girl who goes to university able to finish my bachelor in 3 years as its ment to. I am the girl who goes out with her friends when they ask and don`t have to think about how tired I will be the next day because of it. And yet I find myself in my apartment frozen. Unable to do what I want and frozen as I am, I do the thing i despise. I end up on the couch whatching tv programs I don`t like thinking I like them. But the truth is I despise what I am now. I despise that this is were I am right now. I don`t know how to get out of it. I don`t know... I don`t know... I don`t know... But God knows and it should be a comfort to me. I mean He is the creator of the universe, my problem is nothing for him. Still He care enough to do something about it. I am just so out of hope at times that even that doesen`t give me hope. Well, I do know that God has a way out of this. Bus I have been in it for so long I can`t see it is happening anytime soon. I just can`t... Still deep down inside of me, I know he is here. Watching over me. Making sure I do get out of the apartment atleast one time a day. Making sure I have friends that cares. Its sometimes better to avoide the good friends that cares, because when I see how much they care it forces me to acknowledge my pain. It also makes me not want to burden them with my pain. Than I have the few, real close friends that get to hear more than others, but even them I try to hide from at times. Its easy but its not. Its good, but its not. There is one person I`ll never be able to hide from, and thats Jesus. He cares, He loves, He`s able to carry my burden. I just don`t know how to give it all to him....