Its still not me

Who I am and what I am going through is not the same. My identity is not desided by what I am going trhough. So if I now am dicouraged and feel everything is hopeless(like I do because I am depressed) don`t mean thats who I am. Normally I am a cheerful and happy person. Looking at the positive and good things in life, expecting good things to happen and somewhat ignoring the bad things that may or may not happen. I want to go back to that, but right now its not possible. I get depressed of my apartment. I get depressed of the fact that I seem to be unable to truely relax here. I want to move to a place where I have a view or atleast a place that is above ground. This basement apartment is no good for me, but I think its mainly because I need to have a place on my own and not live with others. I sometimes resent my roommate because what I need is to be alone, but I am not because she is here. Its not her fault and I quickly forgive her, because its not her fault. I chose to live here. Sure, I diden`t know what it realy ment to live like this, but still I chose to do it and she is not to blame. I am to be blamed, so now I resent myself aswell. Not a good cirle, but God will get me out of it. He always do. God forgive me, so now I just have to forgive me. And I need to find a way to live with this untill I find a place for myself where I can relax and not worry about what time my roommate will drop by. So what I am going through is not who I am. My friends know that, but sometimes I forget. So I have to keep reminding myself of who I am and what I am going through is not who I am. There is a difference and its important to remember that. At the same time I have to settle with the fact that this thing I am going through will take a long while and even though my friends wants me to have faith and hope, I need to be realistic. Yes, it would be fantastic if God healed me instant, in a moment, but so far thats not what he`s done. I don`t know why, I just have to keep being close to him, to seek his face and remember that He loves no matter what happens. Believing when you got you miracle, is easy. Believing when you have to wait and wait and wait and still haven`t got your miracle, that takes a strong faith. Its the way it is. My faith is strong, even when I am discouraged and feel hopeless deep down, I know God is with me and for me. He will get me through. He will, He always get me through. Have a good day.

Its not me

This is not me. I am not like this. I am not the girl who is afraid of so many things that just thinking of doing something make my body freeze in panic. I am not the girl that get so overwhelmed by life, I end up doing nothing. I am not the girl who walkes around confused because I am afraid of something that is not scary at all. I am just not that girl. I am the girl that is easy-going, I laugh often and I laugh out loud where we are ment to be quiet. I have alot of friends that would do anything for me. I am the girl who goes to university able to finish my bachelor in 3 years as its ment to. I am the girl who goes out with her friends when they ask and don`t have to think about how tired I will be the next day because of it. And yet I find myself in my apartment frozen. Unable to do what I want and frozen as I am, I do the thing i despise. I end up on the couch whatching tv programs I don`t like thinking I like them. But the truth is I despise what I am now. I despise that this is were I am right now. I don`t know how to get out of it. I don`t know... I don`t know... I don`t know... But God knows and it should be a comfort to me. I mean He is the creator of the universe, my problem is nothing for him. Still He care enough to do something about it. I am just so out of hope at times that even that doesen`t give me hope. Well, I do know that God has a way out of this. Bus I have been in it for so long I can`t see it is happening anytime soon. I just can`t... Still deep down inside of me, I know he is here. Watching over me. Making sure I do get out of the apartment atleast one time a day. Making sure I have friends that cares. Its sometimes better to avoide the good friends that cares, because when I see how much they care it forces me to acknowledge my pain. It also makes me not want to burden them with my pain. Than I have the few, real close friends that get to hear more than others, but even them I try to hide from at times. Its easy but its not. Its good, but its not. There is one person I`ll never be able to hide from, and thats Jesus. He cares, He loves, He`s able to carry my burden. I just don`t know how to give it all to him....